Melancholia in a foggy evening

Girlhood is brief

Summer is brief

Life is brief....



and so on went some lines from a novel called "mother of pearl" I had read when I was a girl. A girl thinks these up one summer when she is just 14 and pregnant. In the end, she dies giving birth to her baby who is named Pearl.

"Melancholia" is a movie about a girl who feels immense sadness over nothing and yet, everything.

Sometimes words fall short of describing what I feel. Then I take solace in random movie titles that might depict my state, wrongly chosen photos that were sitting too long in my hard drive, floating lines of some songs, novels or quotes, fragments of my conversations and thoughts that seem like they took place in an earlier life.

Its like my ability to free think and free form my emotions and opinions are no longer working. Just when I needed to exhibit the supreme power of human brain to act and think rationally during extreme events, I go just the opposite. I go robotic.

These shreds and pieces that I try to weave my feelings into, helps me elude reality and live.

And so I do not listen to music. I do not watch sad movies. I do not read emotional novels.

When I'm trying to be a sane person.

But, you cannot be sane all the time. You do have to cross the lines of sanity and step into the world of madness.

Then you realize, you had been hatching the dreams too long. They are all impotent already.

so they lay forgotten in a corner

and sometimes you look there and wonder, how could you even have that inside of you? What made you dream things that u knew were impossible.

As I listen to Adele, I have these meaningless shreds of thoughts that come and go. I must be at somewhere between sane and insane right now.